Picture this. It’s a beautiful day and you are sitting in the passenger seat of a Cirrus. Your partner is happily flying you 8000 feet above the landscape and everything looks like a picture book. You weren’t sure whether you were going to be able to make this flight as your partner had been a little under the weather during the last week but the morning had proved irresistible and you were both soon out under the blue sky. You are remembering an amusing conversation with a friend and chuckle to yourself. Your laughter triggers the microphone on your headset and you realise that your partner will be wondering what you have found amusing. You turn to tell them and realise that their head is lolling back and they are not conscious. 8000 feet above the ground at 170 knots (about 314 km per hour) you are the only person available to control that aircraft.
The Cirrus is designed to let you be the hero of this story.
I do not know how to fly, but I do know how to save the day should my husband decide to check out early on a flight. Here is the mantra you need to learn;
BLUE RED RED RED
Get it in your head.
BLUE RED RED RED
Oh, that is what I said.
BLUE RED RED RED
Blue is not for the vacant eyes of your unconscious partner, it’s the LEVEL button on the centre panel where the coffee cups should sit. Just next to your left thigh. It’s a happy little blue button with LVL written on it. Push that thing! You will activate the autopilot and level the plane out, no matter what was happening before your inconsiderate partner jumped ship.\
That’s BLUE
If you have the presence of mind you can check to see which way the plane is pointing. You can look out the window or look at the map in the centre of the dashboard. Should you be pointing towards blue stuff, there is a good chance you are heading towards water. You may not want to land in that, but if you do, you will be ok. If you would rather not get your shoes wet, you can also use a little knob and button near LVL that says HDG (Heading) underneath and has the words Push Sync. Once you have pushed the HDG knob, then push the HDG button, then use the knob to turn the plane to a more pointing-towards-green attitude.
Ok, so you are now being taken care of by the autopilot. We should give her a name. She’s a go-getter, a fix-it kinda girl. She’s making it all better for you. I know, let’s call her Kirra. That means ‘to live’ in the Murri dialect in southern Queensland. Kirra is going to help you to live.
BLUE RED RED RED
Get it in your head.
Kirra is heading you towards your landing spot. If you would like to talk to someone at this point, and let’s face it, you may have a fair bit to say since your partner parked their presence on the other side of dream town, you can always use the radio. There is a little black button on your control column, the joy stick in front of you near the window. You know, that thing you were desperately trying not to bump when your MIA partner was actually flying the plane. Don’t push that little red one, it will turn Kirra off and you will have to do waaaaay more work than you need (i.e. start again with BLUE). Once you push that little black button at the top you will be able to talk to the wide, friendly community of pilots and the control centre. I suggest you say something like:
“Excuse me, I really need some help”
or, if you want to get technical,
“Mayday”.
I can guarantee that if you use “Excuse me, I really need some help” the whole sky community will shut up and listen. They will want to know where you are and how not to run into you. Don’t forget to use your plane’s call sign. It is printed in large, friendly letters just near the keys to the ignition in front of your vacant space of a partner. If you tell them your call sign they will know exactly where you are and can co-ordinate the rescue once you are on the ground. Don’t worry, they can see where you are. Kirra is taking care of you.
Now for RED
Look back the centre console where the coffee cup holders should be. Or the wine. At this point you might really be craving a wine. Or something stronger and about 18 years old. There are 2 red things you need to move. The first is the MIXTURE. You need to pull this little red control all the way back towards you to the word CUTOFF.
And RED again
Next to that slightly un-nerving word, CUTOFF there is another switch that turns off the FUEL. You will need to lift up the centre button on the switch and then turn that switch either left or right all the way to OFF. The engine will stop. Do not panic, Kirra wants to fly more than fall so you will not drop out of the sky like a brick. She will begin to slow her speed because now there is no engine pushing her at 170 knots through the sky. Now for the fun bit.
And RED one more time for luck
Above your head there is a handle for the parachute. The instructions for everything have been printed on the placard velcroedover the parachute handle. Take it and have a quick read. You have time. Kirra needs to slow down to the speed on your placard before you can deploy the parachute. The speed is a little different for each type of Cirrus so have a good look at the number. Kirra’s speed can be seen on the screen directly in front of your no-good, unconscious, completely irresponsible-just-wait-til-we-get-home partner. It is the column of numbers on the left hand side of the screen. When it drops to the appropriate speed get ready to use your muscles. The red handle above your head needs to be pulled down smoothly and as if you are trying to do a chin up on it. It will break away from the bracket holding it and dangle down just like your partner’s useless bloody head at the moment. Pull until you hear a loud noise as the rocket deploys the chute. The plane will head nose first towards the ground for a bit. It will be noisy. Try not to mess yourself as it will level out in a moment and you will float to the ground. You will not die.
The moment you deployed the parachute, an emergency beacon was set off by lovely Kirra. Everyone knows where you are and can see where you land. The sky community will be co-ordinating your rescue from here on. There is one last thing to do so that you walk away more easily and look good in any press photos. Assume the brace position. Please don’t place your head on the dashboard or between your knees. This is a little different to a commercial aeroplane. Shift your hips all the way back into your seat with your seatbelt adjusted low and tight. Take hold of one wrist with the other and press your fists into the top of your thighs. This will stop them flapping about and getting in the way of the airbags set in the front of your seatbelt. When those babies go off you want your hands out of the way. The Cirrus seats will take care of your undercarriage. Your partner’s airbags will go off and they will have to take their chances that their useless appendages don’t get in the way of a comfortable landing.
Once you are on the ground, you can turn off all the switches in the dashboard in front of your partner and turn the ignition key to off. Now exit the plane and wait for the ground rescuers to find you. Maybe take some selfies. Hopefully your partner will one day be able to hear your story and thank you in an appropriately generous way for getting them home in one piece. Should the rest of their story be slightly more terminal, they can probably thank their lucky stars that they went peacefully in their sleep and didn’t have to face you afterwards.
BLUE RED RED RED
If none of the other details sink into your head, just do the bare minimum. Use the autopilot to level out the plane (BLUE), pull the mixture handle back to CUTOFF (RED), turn the fuel off (RED), wait until the appropriate airspeed and pull the chute (RED). You can do this, you can be the hero of the story. You can live.
If you want to know more about being the hero, you can always book a partner’s course with www.cirrustraining.com.au. Maybe you will take that to the next level and learn how to pilot the Cirrus yourself. There’s nothing to stop you proving you can take control of any Cirrus situation! Don’t let that unconscious twonk in the pilot’s seat have all the fun.